The Strawberry Cow
by angels-of-the-silence
Summary: Oh dear, it appears that there is another member of the Kuchiki household that no one ever told Rukia about, and she's causing chaos wherever she goes. Not depressing! Rated 'M' for... innuendos and language.
1. Chapter 1

Rukia was enjoying taking her time. She had missed walking the streets of the Sereitei while in the human world, and of course, when she'd come back, she'd been locked up. Only now, after her rescue, did she feel properly alive, and had taken the chance to get away from her Nii-sama, and Ichigo.

She was heading back to Nii-sama's house now. Only after being attacked by Yachuri-chan and asked if she knew where Ken-chan was, and if she had candy, and if she was going back to Bya-kun's house to ask him if he would mind posing for pictures, and what about the candy?

"No, but he's probably chasing after Ichigo…. Um, no I have no….candy…." At the question about Nii-sama she had gagged, "And No. No candy." Yachuri-chan had nodded, and skipped away…. Rukia had stood there for a few moments, trying to get her hair back in order…. And trying to forget the question about Nii-sama, which had been most disturbing.

She slipped into Nii-sama's house, careful not to disturb the silence. She padded toward her room, where she knew she could relax. After closing the door with hardly a click, she sagged against the wall. It was a few seconds later that Ichigo came through the window. A lot of shouting followed, consisting mostly of "FOOL!" by Rukia. This, she reflected, was why she'd wanted out of the house in the first place.

Ichigo was now the one relaxing while Rukia was drawing, having gotten her sketchbook out. She'd hit Ichigo on the principle that he'd complain about her perfect drawing. Rukia knew he was jealous; after all, not everyone was as perfect as she was with a pen. It was just as she finished with her basic outline that she felt the tug on her robe.

"What is it Ichigo? Can't you see that I'm busy?" She turned; ready to fwak him with the sketchbook again, only to be faced with a small girl.

"N-Nii-sama? What is this girl doing here?" Rukia was leading the hyperactive child by a hand. It was weird, but she looked a lot like Rukia. The same hair, the same face shape, even the same bright, insane eyes.

"Living." Was the only answer Rukia got from her Nii-sama. He was working, and did not take kindly to being interrupted.

"Oto-sama! I had sugar!" The small girl began to giggle, and Ichigo took a step back, more frightened than usual.

"O-oto-s-sama?!"

"Yes, she is my daughter."

"WHAT?!" This was from both Ichigo and Rukia.

Byakuya looked up from the paperwork.

"There was a reason I sent it into your room." He looked back at the paperwork. Normally, Rukia did not her Nii-sama, this however, was a special case.

"B-but, Nii-sama, who is she?" She was given a /look/ from Byakuya.

"Your niece," He paused, "Hisana's daughter." This was the last words he had said before given the entire room a /look/. Rukia and the rest quickly disappeared.

"Auntie Rukiaaaaaaaaa" Ichigo held the girl at arms length, trying to keep her from climbing all over him. He valued his hearing to highly to hold her any closer. "Do you like cows? I want a cow! Can I have a cow?" Rukia was staring at the girl as though she was something….weird.. "I had cow shaped gummies! I named them all Ichigo! After me! Then I ate them!" This was all stated in a happy voice, as though it was perfectly normal to names cows 'strawberry' then eat them.

Ichigo was spazzing, mostly because the girl had poked him in the nose, and commented on the fact that he had funny hair. She had then gone into a rant about cows, and how her own name, Ichigo, was a perfect name for all cows, and that she really liked cows, and why was the funny haired man looking like he'd hit himself over the head with a cow?

"But why does she have my name!?" Ichigo protested, pointing at the girl who was now flipping through the dropped sketchbook, and protesting that the pictures looked nothing like cows.

"Well," Rukia told him, an evil edge to her voice, "It is a girls name." It meant strawberry, and he knew it.

"No it isn't! It means 'one who protects'! How is that a girl name?!" He was now a few feet away from Rukia, yelling. Rukia just tossed her hair with a small ha noise.

"It means 'Strawwwberrryyyyyy,'" This was said in the most mocking voice possible.

It was five minutes later. Little Ichigo had broken up the screaming match with a cry of, "Look a cow!" and almost fallen out the window. Rukia had rushed to stop the girl from falling out of a three-story window and had received a poke on the nose for her trouble. The thing being pointed to by little Ichigo was not, in fact, a cow. Neither of the others wanted to point this fact out, as the child had managed to climb out of Rukia's grip, and was now walking along the edge of the room happily, and giggling about cows… Oh dear.


	2. Chapter 2

It was at this point that Yachiru-chan came through the window.

"Hey Ichi! Hey Rukia! Hey Ichi!" She waved to them all, sitting on the windowsill, and giggling her hand still waving.

"Did you know? We just received video footage from Hueco Mundo. They told me to tell you, and I also came to ask Byu-kun something!" She jumped from the window onto Ichigo's head, and then to the floor, where she hugged the small girl now to be known as Strawberry.

"Come see!"

It took about fifteen minutes find what they needed to play the video, in which Renji burst into the house, tripped over a expensive looking vase, and slammed head-long into the wall. It was remarked by Ichigo that it was a good thing Renji was so empty headed, or the wall might have broken. Rukia and Yachiru-chan were the ones, in the end, who got the clip to work. Byakuya had drifted in, after all, it was considered important…

A brightly lit room appeared after a few moments of static. The Arrancar were all seated, and the one, very noticeable thing was that every single one of them wore tight pants. Aizen had the tightest, which seemed to be a mark of rank. Rukia had to stop herself from throwing up.

There was silence, then Aizen stood up, and pointed to what appeared to be a screen, on which was a picture of a mop.

"Oh, that's pretty." Dead Silence. Very… Dead…. Silence….

"Sir, I hope you realize that that is, in fact, a mop…" Tousen was silent for a few moments, "I do hope you know that… Right, sir?" More silence, in which Aizen squinted at the screen.

"Really?" He looked surprised. "I thought it was Ulquiorra, I was commenting on his hair…" He looked crest fallen. Ulquiorra stood up,

" I shall change my hair for you sir, as a mark of my un-dying love for you." Aizen nodded happily, then started to giggle. Gin patted him absently on the head.

"Okay, Y'all, jokes over, who hid his pills? I know it was one of 'Yas."

It took about five minutes of shuffling before the pills were produced, and administered.

Aizen settled down, and then started to snore. It appeared that this caused a disturbance in the frequency of the video, because it broke up.

There was yet more silence on the Sereitei end. Byakuya was the first to stir. He glanced around at the rest of them, who were all mouthing the words "What the fuck?!" at the screen, and then took out a book, and started to read.

Strawberry, still high off sugar it seemed, snatched the book away, and began dancing around the room with it. It was only after she'd done this several times that the others noticed that A. She was singing to a song that went "Cows Cows, wonderful cows, and B. Byakuya had disappeared.

"Antie Rukiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaa," The book was shoved into Rukia's face. "What's this say?!" Rukia took one look at the book, and her face blanched. Ichigo took the book from her, and with Renji staring over his shoulder, looked at the title.

"Bringing the sexy back…" Renji said slowly.

It was at this moment that every single one of them made a silent vow never, ever, to ask Byukuya was he did all day, EVER. They might just get answers.


End file.
